Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
