That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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