dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
