umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
