So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
