I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
