seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
