This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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