I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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