Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
