there's paper in my vomit.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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