I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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