i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You ate ashes out of my bong
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