Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
3 2 1 whiskey
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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