Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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