you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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