life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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