At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
