The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sober January is a disaster.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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