i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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