I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize