Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
