Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
