1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We need a shit load of segways right now
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
