he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
