this beer tastes like vomit already
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
