3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
