you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize