I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
