There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
