I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
