new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
