Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
