dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
