My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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