I am in a vortex of obligation.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
