I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
