my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
