used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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