glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I got inside last night via doggy door
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
