how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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