rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize
