Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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