I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
