I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
