I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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