Can i not drive my cunt home
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
