He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
