I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
