i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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