btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
