Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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