I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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