it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
