I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
