I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
