but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
