The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
