I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
