I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
